Giving Up
by chronicxxinsanity
Summary: Remus chose Tonks instead of her, and now Lila has to make a decision during one of the world's worst wars. Stay and fight alongside the Order for their sake, or run away for her own. Every day with the Order has become a tiring act of faking smiles and saying that she's okay, and all she can do is hope that he'll change his mind. That, or she can give up and run from it all.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters you recognize from the books and movies. I do, however, own Lila and this plot.**

**Giving Up**

Chapter One

"_The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else." - Anonymous._

The word 'unfair' had crossed my mind, but I didn't dare say a thing. It would have been childish, and if I did that I might as well pout and stomp my foot. But I thought it, because really, it was true. This was all unfair and I threw an internal tantrum, even if it didn't make me feel any better in the end. It left me feeling foolish, childish, and like I had been kicked while I was down.

But I never showed it to any of them – let alone to _him_. Maybe he would have understood and apologized, or just given me a 'poor Lila' look without any words to back it up. Because really, _what_ could he say to make any of this hurt less? Nothing. There was nothing he could say to make any of this feel even an ounce better than it did. I couldn't think of one damn scenario that turned out in my favor.

Well, except the one where he miraculously remembers that it was me he loved first…not Tonks. In that wonderful daydream that I had entertained for a moment, everything turned out wonderful. I wasn't the one left heartbroken and tossed aside, and whatever it was that hurt so bad inside of me was alleviated immediately.

But it didn't.

When that pink haired witch had come bursting into the room with the wonderful news and a wide smile – they were engaged – everyone flocked around and congratulated her. I probably should have followed suit, even if it would have killed me to smile and tell her how happy I was that she was marrying him. It was painful to even think about that, and I probably would choke on any words. She was marrying the man I was absolutely and irreversibly smitten with.

I should have been the bigger person and put on a brave face, but I didn't. I couldn't even bring myself to do that. Instead, I backed away from the crowd of cooing women and smiling men and slipped out of the room and into the kitchen.

Several minutes had gone by and I found myself still standing over the sink and gripping the curved edges, just coming to terms with what was going through my mind. Remus had turned me down after _years_ of pining over him, and he was now marrying Tonks. I had never been the jealous type (to my knowledge), and the murderous and horrendous things that flashed through my mind shocked me. The water was running, just so that I wouldn't have to listen to the people talking in the other room, but the sound seemed to make it harder to make sense of my thoughts.

The Weasley house had thin walls – we all knew this – so the tap had been cranked onto its highest setting so that all I could hear were murmurs and the occasional booming laugh. A few droplets splashed onto my hand and it felt like I had just been jolted out of a daydream. My hands flew away from the sink and I recoiled like I had been burned, but really, I was just shocked. I was still in shock; I didn't _want_ to let the information settle in because an engagement to Remus was something that I had dreamed about (where I was in Tonks' position, of course).

My stomach churned and in a split second I was searching the kitchen for the small trash can that I knew was there. It was probably the sound of me heaving up my lunch that brought someone into the room, and my body immediately tensed up the moment I heard the door squeak. My fingers felt numb and my knuckles were white, but I still gripped the edge of the trash can like a lifeline and I was briefly aware that I was now on my knees in the corner of the kitchen. My ears were ringing, but over that I could hear someone's footsteps.

Boy, this must have looked weird to whoever walked in. The horrible taste of puke made me gag again, and it wasn't long before my head was once more in the can as I threw up.

I jumped when something landed on my shoulder, but my senses felt like they left me again when I began dry-heaving, now that my lunch was long gone. Someone's fingers were pulling the hair out of my face and over my shoulder, and despite the fact that the hand rubbing my back was obviously trying to provide comfort, all I wanted to do was shrug it off and tell whoever was there to leave me alone.

I took deep, gasping breaths when the dry heaving was over and I tried to spit as much as I could into the trash can, determined to get rid of the putrid taste and smell.

"Let it out, honey." That was unmistakably Molly's voice. I stayed and spat into the garbage can while she got up and rummaged through the cupboards and filled something in the sink before finally turning off the tap.

So that had been the noise ringing in my ears – I just didn't turn off the water.

"Here. Rinse out your mouth," she instructed with another hand on my shoulder and nudging my hand with the glass. My knuckles remained white even after I grabbed the water and stared at it for a moment, still surprised that nothing except _emotion_ had made me physically ill and sending me to the bin.

"Thanks," I said to Molly when my knees finally felt stable enough to hold me up. I inspected the glass for just a moment and took a large drink of water. I swished it around in my mouth thoroughly before spitting it back into the sink, repeating this several times and well aware that Molly was leaning against the counter and watching closely. When the glass of water was empty and I couldn't smell that acidic bile anymore, I refilled the glass and turned to finally face Molly with a sheepish smile.

"Are you alright?" There was no mistaking the worry in her voice, but there was also a bit of pity that made me feel like I wanted to run away and hide. I couldn't meet her gaze when she was looking at me like that, so I smoothed out the wrinkles in my jeans and messed with the hem of my shirt, just for something to do.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, trying for another smile that was very obviously seen through by years and years of being a mother. "I'm not sure what just came over me. Maybe I ate something weird earlier." We both ignored the fact that I had eaten _her_ food earlier that day…because that clearly wasn't the problem. I could see the disapproving look she shot me before she folded her arms and looked around her kitchen.

I wanted to run over and hug Molly when I saw her take a deep breath and let it go. At that moment, the last thing I wanted was someone to play shrink and pry. A hand went to her hair for just a second before it fell to her side and she looked to the door behind her, clearly not accustomed to _not_ prying.

"Well, the meeting should have started by now," she said with a kind smile, motioning with a tilt of her head to the door leading into the living room. "Why don't we join them?"

I forced a smile in return and nodded, the cold glass of water still in my hand as I followed her into the other room. By now, everyone who had stood up to congratulate the newly-engaged woman had either sat down or moved to the edge of the room. Kingsley, one of the few standing alongside the wall, took a small step to the side and smiled, silently inviting me to stand between him and one of the many people I knew by their face, and not their name. Molly went to sit next to Arthur and Tonks (who, I noticed without a hitch, was still beaming despite the rather rough topic they were currently talking about).

"Are you alright?" Kingsley whispered, tilting his head down to me and eyes flashing from the water in my hand to my face, and whatever it was giving away.

I nodded and took a sip of water, turning when Arthur's enthusiastic voice caught my attention. From that point on, I didn't say a word. I wanted to pay attention to what everyone was talking about (I really did), but I couldn't focus on what anyone was saying to save my life. Their lips were moving, but all I could hear was Tonks exclaiming that Remus had proposed and the satisfying sound of fantasy-me dumping my glass of fantasy-water all over fantasy-Tonks' head.

Everybody murmured something and I looked up from inspecting the split ends of my hair.

That had been a horrible idea. There, standing against the wall, was Remus. He was right beside the door to the kitchen, and I felt my stomach do another flip. Could he have heard me puking? Molly coming up and helping me?

I looked to who was talking immediately like I had just been shocked, but only a few words of what Molly was saying actually made sense to me. I took a split second to glance over, and like the polite person he was, he was listening to what people were saying and his warm eyes jumped around to watch each individual talk. Then, it felt like I had been struck by lightning again and either my heart was being too fast or too slow; I only tell that something in my chest was _definitely_ not right. He glanced up just briefly, enough to see that I was staring at him and the fact that I reflexively looked away didn't help my case at all.

"That's not a great idea, Moody." Kingsley's deep rumble of a voice distracted me for just a moment, and it was what I needed to calm down. Apparently, taking on Moody during this conversation was a gutsy move, because many people who had been sitting down shifted to turn and look at him as he continued speaking. I turned to watch him talk, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. My heart was finally beginning to beat normally again and I was debating whether or not to look back over to the other wall where Remus was standing. He could be looking back and whatever had tipped Kingsley off to something being wrong would surely tip him off as well.

"I'm with Moody on this one," Tonks said boldly and with no excuse other than pure jealousy, I wanted to look up at glare daggers at her. But I didn't, and within a second everyone's attention shifted to someone else as the conversation continued around the room, jumping from person to person.

It still hurt. Whatever it was that hurt so much that my stomach gave a physical reaction still felt like there were needles stabbing at it, but the pure shock of it was finally fading and it became a dull throb. I normally offered a bare minimum to the conversations at the Order's meetings, and now I wasn't even able to offer that much. My eyes darted to the door and then briefly (_very_ briefly) to Remus before I took a sip of water so that I would be doing _something_ other than standing and staring down at my own two feet. I could probably leave without being noticed. But that would mean walking past _him_, and I would definitely have to at least look up at him while I left. I think it was that, and that alone, which kept me glued to my spot by the wall.

I really don't know how much time had passed, but every once in a while I would tune in enough to nod and act as if I was listening and maybe sip my water. By the time my glass was empty, I really had no idea what time it was or what (at all) had been discussed. I would have to gather some information from Molly later, even if that meant explaining why I had been distracted through the entire meeting. She probably knew already, anyway. I reflexively went to take another sip of water and realized that the glass was empty. My cheeks burned a little pink when I saw from the corner of my eye that Kingsley had noticed, and I lowered the glass to my side, looking up to see that Molly was talking again.

"Can I get you some more?" Kingsley whispered, holding a hand out and glancing down at the glass.

"Um, thanks." I smiled politely and gave him my glass of water. Nobody seemed to notice when he disappeared from the room for a moment and reappeared with a full glass moments later. I nodded and thanked him once more when he handed me the water, and he turned to pay attention to the conversation again. If only I could do that. I listened to Arthur argue momentarily with Moody before several people joined in and within a minute, Moody's suggestion was deemed "unnecessarily fatal".

Remus began talking and I took another sip of water when my mouth went dry. It was only a sentence or two that he said, and I wasn't even paying attention to _what_ he said, but my stomach began aching again. It wasn't as if I was going to throw up since there wasn't much more that I could throw up, it was just hearing him talk. He would be talking to Tonks – I would eventually have to hear them, after all. He would then inevitably tell someone how happy he was with her, and say his vows, and I _really_ had to get out of here.

I wanted to run out of the room, even if it meant going past Remus, and maybe apparate home so that I could scream into a pillow. My couch would make a good kicking-post and a bucket of ice cream would give me some much-needed comfort. But first, I had to get out of here.

If Kingsley could leave so silently and unnoticed, then maybe I could too. I took a deep breath and listened to my heart pounding in my ears. If I didn't leave now then I wouldn't leave until the meeting was over, and who knew how long _that_ could take, because I didn't even know how long we had already been here.

I took one step away from the wall and had to keep walking. I kept my gaze low until I was through the door and into the kitchen. I shut the door behind me and saw that my hand was shaking, and still gripping the doorknob. Even the water in the glass was sloshing around, so I went and dumped the rest into the sink and set it on the counter.

_Merlin,_ I should have run through the back door and gone home while I still had the chance. The door opened up behind me and I felt my muscles automatically tense up, ready to choose between fight or flight.

"Are you okay?"

I wanted to cry. _Of course,_ this was my fucking luck.

"Yeah," I lied through my clenched teeth and kept my back to him, aware that the moment I turned around I would get the pitying stare that Molly had given me before. Either that, or everything would pour out of me like a leaky faucet and whatever miniscule chance I had at maintaining our friendship would be down the drain.

"You were throwing up before, are you sick?" I turned my head to the side but decided against facing him entirely.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go home early. Tell Molly her lunch was wonderful." I had to turn to him in order to get to the back door, but I kept my gaze low, only glancing up far enough to see that he was wearing the same tattered robes he always wore, and even that felt like too much. I didn't _want_ to look at him because whatever it was that was aching so painfully would only hurt worse. I didn't want to look at him or hear him speak, so I walked quickly to the back door as fast as I could and shut the door behind me. I took a deep breath, and the icy cold air made my nose sting and my eyes water, but I didn't waste time getting used to it before walking into the shadows of the Weasley's backyard.

Twenty yards away, and I could apparate home. From inside the barrier I could see the faint lavender glow of the protective force field and could hear the gentle hum it gave off. I walked quickly, both because it was cold (and damn, I had left my jacket inside), and because all I wanted to do was break down, kick something, eat something, and cry. The dew on the grass made me slip and it felt like my heart skipped a beat, but I regained my balance quickly and continued on at the same pace. Something that had been bottled up ever since Tonks had walked into that damned room with that damned ring and that _damned_ smile was beginning to shake and I knew it was only a matter of time. _Something_ was going to break.

I could feel it when I passed through the boundary that surrounded the Weasley house, and I immediately apparated to the alleyway a half a block away from my flat. The air out here was colder than it had been out in the county, and the streetlights made it easier to see the road around me. I held my stomach, something that was still aching, and ran down the street and up the steps to my small home.

Seconds after I had reset all of my locks and put the usual spell up on the front door, that thing broke. My hand flew to my mouth in a useless attempt to keep it all inside but it only lasted for a second. I needed a breath of air, but it came in as a choked sob and it was then that the dam broke loose and it all came out.

The man that I had loved for _years_ was getting married.

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**Beta: Sunshine After the Rain and Shira Lansys. Thanks, you two!**

**Song for this chapter: "Lightspeed" by Grieves.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters you recognize from the books and movies. I do, however, own Lila and this plot.**

**Giving Up**

Chapter Two

"_I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of." - Michel de Montaigne._

Running away had _never_ sounded good before. It made me think of pathetic low-lives and scaredy cats that couldn't face an ounce of confrontation. It surely had never been something I contemplated before. But now, it was sounding like the better option. Wonderful, even.

I could get away (even if it was running from a problem) and start all over again. I could try my hardest to forget about Remus and Tonks and whatever family they were going to have together and just take a breath of _fresh_ air. I contemplated changing my name and perhaps dying my hair, just to make sure that the person I was (well, am _now_) was gone.

By now, several people had noticed that something was wrong with me. It was easy enough to spot who knew and who didn't just by how they looked at me when I first walked into a room; they either smiled politely or awkwardly, and then looked away. I could assume that some of them would think it was just the stress of an upcoming war (because _who_ was not stressing out about this?) but a few of them knew what was really happening. Molly most definitely knew, Arthur most likely knew, and Kingsley (that damned, observant man) probably caught on as well. Would it be that much of a surprise if I couldn't take the stress and just…left? Whoever didn't know would have no clue as to the real reason why I was leaving. But Remus…he would definitely know, and I likely wouldn't make it out of the country without having to talk to him about it.

That part of me that was shuddering whenever I thought about being confronted with this…problem, gave a little cry of agony at that.

Some people would figure it out later, no doubt by the gossip that flew around the order faster than carrier pidgeons, but by then I could be long gone. I could go to Mexico, or France, or Italy…right now, anywhere sounded better than in the middle of a war. Or more importantly, anywhere sounded better than staying here and watching Remus and Tonks live happily ever after while I was still madly in love with that damned man.

And would I really be missed that much if I left, anyway? I offered a wand and a number to the masses, but I had no real skill that set me apart from anyone else. My dueling skills were average and when it came to strategizing and planning, I stepped back and let the more experienced Auror's do their job. I could make a potion, but really, who couldn't? It was following a recipe that was written down to a 't' and it really wasn't _that_ hard, so that could hardly be counted as a skill.

But then there was one potion that I made on a monthly basis that _had_ to be done correctly, and that was one thing that just everybody couldn't do. In fact, Dumbledore had said he could count the number of people who had perfected the recipe on both of his hands – though he could have just been trying to flatter me.

The Wolfsbane potion was a particularly nasty one to master, and the consequences of a botched batch constantly looming over me as I brewed it made it harder and harder to concentrate. There was the brief (and disgusting) thought as I stirred the potion seventeen times in a clockwise-fashion.

What if I made it wrong? Remus was cautious enough to keep himself well away from people during the night of the full moon, but without a properly made potion he would be in even more pain than normal. As I stirred the bubbling glue-like-matter in the cauldron, there was a traitorous part of me that wanted to mess it up. He would feel pain for a few minutes, and maybe he could get a taste of what I was feeling at the moment. I pulled the wooden spoon from the potion after seventeen stirs and immediately felt guilty for even _thinking_ about it. What the hell was I doing? I couldn't knowingly hand Remus a potion that wouldn't work. For a split second, I wanted to, but I would never actually bring myself to do it.

Still, my face grew warm as I squinted at the opened book beside the cauldron to make out the small words in the horrible lighting. I had been making this potion for years, but was always checking back to the book that I had…ahem, _forgotten_, to give back to the Hogwarts library, to make sure that everything was correct. An extra slice of shiverry root, an extra stir with the thirteen inch wooden spoon…and the entire thing would be irreversibly destroyed.

"Are you doing alright, dear?" Molly's voice made me jump and my head snapped up to look at the doorway so fast that something in my neck cracked painfully. I winced and tried to rub the soreness away with my palm. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"'s okay, Molly. I'm fine." I smiled, wondering how convincing I was sitting on the floor of a dark room with my clothes covered in dust and barely enough light to read. She stepped inside and flipped the switch, though the flickering light bulb didn't offer much better lighting than before.

"There, that's better," she smiled sincerely, looking around the empty room before her gaze finally landed back on me.

I shifted and pulled one of my knees up to my chest, looking back down at the book that lay on the ground before me.

_Two pinches of ground Calluous._

I had to lean over and stretch, flailing my arm around until I was finally able to grab the handle of my well-used bag and dragged it over. A small vile was somewhere at the bottom, but it only took me a moment to find it, uncap it and give it a sniff. I recoiled immediately and Molly laughed, walking to where I had my miniature laboratory set up and looking over my shoulder as I took two pinches and stirred it into the thick, bubbling green potion.

"I've never understood potions, but Fred and George are brilliant with them. Though, I'm sure they use them for as much bad as they do good." She chuckled and I briefly hummed to show that I was listening as I stirred the potion twenty-two times in a counter-clock-wise fashion.

"This is the one thing that comes naturally to me," I said when Molly had gone quiet.

"How're you handling it?"

"Like I normally do," I glanced over my shoulder to give Molly what I _really_ hoped was a comforting smile. "This'll turn out like it always does. It's been a while since I've made it wrong and I won't be doing that again." I gave the cauldron a grimace and rested my chin on my knee.

"I didn't mean the potion," Molly scoffed and I caught her giving the old potions book on the floor a dirty look. She sat down beside me and took a moment to cross her legs and get comfortable.

Oh, Merlin. This was it. She waited until the perfect moment when I was alone in a room to corner me and force me to talk. I eyed her as she adjusted her dress so that it didn't ride up past her calves.

"I meant about what happened last week."

And there it was – the real problem. Mexico was sounding wonderful at the moment. I had to shove aside the part of me that wanted to book it out of the room (and possibly out of the country) to think straight.

"I think that Moody's as mad as always, but the plan for next month should go off without a hitch," I answered without skipping a beat. I could feel her disapproving look on me like a spotlight but didn't dare look over at her. Instead, I flipped a page in the book and hugged my knee a little closer to my chest. Did she change the temperature in the room? I'm pretty sure that keeping people cold was step one in interrogation tactics.

"I didn't mean that either," she said, clearly exasperated.

"Then I don't follow," I lied, feeling guilty immediately after the words left my lips because there was no way in hell that Molly _didn't_ know I was lying to her face. Well, lying to my knee, because I really didn't way to turn and actually look at her.

"Remus proposed to Tonks." She stated it as a fact, and that made it sting just a little more. She didn't ask if that was what happened because there was no way around it. He _did_ propose to Tonks and she _did_ say yes.

"So I've heard." I tried to come off as nonchalant as possible, but it clearly wasn't working and I wasn't sure, for the life of me, why I kept trying to hide it.

"Lila." I could tell by the 'here comes what you need to hear' tone that whatever followed wouldn't be sugared up to make me feel better. I pressed my mouth to the rough material of my jeans and used the wooden spoon to stir the potion twelve times, counting loudly in my head. "I know you're not okay with this, and I know why. But holing yourself up here isn't going to help and it's certainly not healthy."

"I'm not _holing_ myself up," I muttered to my leg, indignantly. "I need to make this potion. I do it every month and it's nothing out of the ordinary."

"You've been up here since breakfast and that _is_ unusual, and whether you like it or not people are worried about how you've been acting lately." There was a silence after this, because I had no idea what to say to that. Thankfully, when I tilted my head to read the next instructions for the potion my hair fell forward to cover whatever view she could possibly have had of my face. I couldn't read on the words before me, so I just stared at the page and focused on breathing. Slowly and steadily. In and out. It suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.

I held my breath and tried again to read the words on the page, but it was useless. I couldn't focus on that when my mind kept reliving the past week. I had tried to ignore Remus and keep myself as far away from his as possible but it wasn't working! I wasn't able to distance myself from him like I wanted to and despite the constant pleading to forget him, my mind wouldn't let me. Whenever I tried to forget about him, I remembered the years we spent together at school and all of the times he helped me with my homework. Whenever I tried to focus on someone else, I could only look at how _inferior_ they appeared in comparison to him and it made me feel physically ill again.

I jolted when Molly reached forward and grabbed my hair, tugging the strands behind my ear. I took a deep breath through my nose but it came out as a sniffle and all of a sudden my 'wonderful' façade of indifference broke like glass.

The black words on the page blurred and all of a sudden I was crying, pressing my forehead against my knee and pulling my other leg up so that I could hug them both to my chest.

I hid my face from Molly, well aware that I was anything but a graceful crier. A particularly pathetic whine came out and I was mortified when she made a 'tsk' noise and scooted closer. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and didn't seem to take 'no' for an answer when I attempted to scoot away. Molly had me in a famous 'death-hug' and all I could do was bury my face in my jeans and cry a little harder.

"It's going to be fine, Lila," she murmured, barely audible as she hugged me a little tighter.

"It's not!" I cried out, finally leaving the comfort of my fetal-position to turn my head to face Molly. "How can this be okay? They're going to get married and have a family and be fucking _happy_." My words were occasionally interrupted by a sharp intake of air, but for once in the past week, crying actually felt _good_. It didn't make me feel childish or foolish or like a terrible person for not wanting Remus and Tonks to be happy together. It just felt like everything that was supposed to be said was said and a fraction of a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I heard the door squeak and I immediately turned my face away. Molly pulled away just a bit and looked over my shoulders to whoever had just opened the door.

"Moody and Kingsley are here for lunch and have been waiting for a while." I could tell by Ginny's voice that she knew she walked into something awkward.

"Tell them to wait a little longer. I'll be down in a bit, alright?" The door squeaked and closed quietly. I took another deep breath and sniffled, using the back of my wrist to get rid of any tears on my cheeks.

"You should go and help her," I said, vainly trying to act as if I had not just been crying my eyes out moments before. I pulled the sleeve of my jumper over my hand and used it to wipe my eyes.

"She'll be fine on her own. There aren't that many people coming over." She emphasized this with a flick of her wrist.

"I'll be fine, Molly," I insisted, turning and giving her what felt like the first _true_ smile in a week. My eyes were probable red and puffy and I'm sure that I looked like a wreck, but she seemed convinced and shifted away.

"Well, alright. Please come down in a bit when you get hungry. He won't be coming over today," she added with a kind smile. I nodded and looked back to the potion in the cauldron.

By now, it had stopped bubbling and turned from a sickly green to lavender purple. Molly stood and brushed the dust off of her dress.

"I'm making some chicken and dumpling soup and sandwiches," she said with her hand on the doorknob, turning back and looking over the entire room once more before leaving.

I sighed and my foot shot out to kick the potions book. It slid across the floor and hit the wall with a dull thud. I froze when I heard Molly's footsteps pause not far from the door, and let out a breath I had been holding when she continued down the staircase.

The lavender potion was a wonderful color, but I refrained myself from kicking the cauldron over in agitation. Instead I rubbed my face vigorously and ran my fingers through my hair. I really had to get a hold of myself.

Through my pity-party, I had forgotten to add the extra pinch of calluous and stir it with a metal rod. While the color of the potion was much prettier, it _should_ be a sickly yellow color with a hint of mucus-green.

With a groan, I stood and brushed the dust off of my pants. I knelt down and shuffled through my bag until I found a hair tie and used it to throw my hair up into a low ponytail, just neat enough to keep my hair out of my face.

Now, I really had to focus. I had lost hours upon hours on that potion, and it was now useless. It wouldn't cure a stuffy nose, let alone keep Remus safe while he transformed.

I stooped down to grab the cauldron and held it against my hip while I opened the door and kicked it shut behind me with the heel of my shoe. There was a bathroom on one floor down that I could clean the cauldron in, but by the nearby footsteps I could tell that several people were walking along those hallways. I turned and started hiking up the staircase to the next floor up, intent on avoiding as many people (and distractions) as possible until the potion was made _right._

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**Beta: Shira Lansys. **

**Author's note: Yes…I totally made up 'calluous' and 'Shivvery Root', but you may use them if you wish to come up with random potion ingredients. :)  
**

**Song: When I'm Alone by Lissie.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters you recognize from the books and movies. I do, however, own Lila and this plot.**

**Giving Up**

Chapter Three

"_Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes. I know 'cause I'm like that a lot. You think everything's okay, and it is...'till it's not." - Ani Difranco._

Everything was finally calming down. Well, I was calming down, at least. I was proud to say that I only had _one_ breakdown/cry-fest since the day I was making Remus's Wolfsbane potion, and I had even said something nice to Tonks. I wasn't sure what it was, exactly, probably something about a blouse she was wearing or a jumper. Just something with a forced smile to prove to myself that I could do it. I could be a nice person even when I wanted to jump forward in rage and perhaps punch her lights out.

Molly, however, didn't seem to think everything was calming down. On one occasion, I had been left alone in the living room with Remus and Tonks, only because Molly had been forced away by a prank Fred and George had pulled on Ginny.

It had been an awkward minute full of awkward smiles and awkward phrases about the weather, though I was proud to say that I didn't have a break down. And despite my fantasies, I didn't pour a glass of water over Tonks' ridiculously pink head. Molly had come racing back into the room, looking around wildly as if expecting a fight to have broken out. She looked rather silly, and Tonks looked positively startled, possibly because she was the only one in the room who didn't know _why_ Molly was worried.

But Remus (that ever-observant man) seemed to catch onto her suspicions immediately and gave me a pitying look.

Everything had been absolutely fine until _that_. It was _that_ that had set me off and all of a sudden everything that had been so…_okay_, was suddenly not. How _dare_ he flip everything around and suddenly make me feel like everything wasn't okay? How _dare_ he give me that look, as if all of this wasn't his fault and that he was a poor bystander, feeling sorry for me?

I could see it in his face and all of these wonderful lies I had surrounded myself with to make me feel better came crashing down the moment I read, 'Poor Lila' all over his frown.

Tonks didn't seem to understand what had just happened in that split second that Molly came back and everything came tumbling down, because she lead Remus out of the room by his hand and gave me what I hated to say was a genuine smile and goodbye.

Ever since then, things had most definitely _not_ been okay.

I had done some miraculous dives behind doors and into closets to avoid being in the same area (specifically, alone) with either Remus or…his fiancée.

On one of these occasions, I had been unlucky enough to have dived right into a plot being cooked up by Fred and George. Well, not dived, so much as clumsily slid across the floor on my butt and into the broom closet, leaving my bag and books in the room.

My elbow hurt to bloody hell but I didn't dare say anything or even breathe because I was positive that Tonks – just on the other side of the too-thin piece of wood – would hear and know that I was avoiding her like a plague.

Holding my elbow and biting my lip to keep from making any noise, I saw the slightest a movements out of the corner of my eye. It was dark enough that I could have easily missed it, but something about wanting to avoid someone so badly seemed to push my senses into high gear. I heard Tonks's footsteps leave the room (and clumsily kick something in the hallway), and finally let out the breath of air that I was holding in.

"Well, hello there, Miss Roverton." Even having seen movement, I still jumped and smashed my elbow on the coat rack beside me. Yelping and holding my injured arm, I craned my neck to get a better look at Fred and George who were crouched in the corner of the broom closet and leaning over a suspiciously bubbling cauldron.

"Merlin, boys," I said in a quick breath. "Don't call me Miss Roverton, it makes me feel old." I huffed but couldn't help but smile. It was a rare occurrence to stumble upon a prank in the makings and it made me feel like I was at Hogwarts again, running into the wrong room at the wrong time to see Sirius and James (and sometimes Peter and…Remus) getting ready for the prank of a lifetime. The boys both looked like they had been crammed in this uncomfortably small broom closet for a while now and were awkwardly stretching in the tiny area.

My interest only peaked when a particularly large bubble let loose a spray of potion, and the two boys leaped away as if it would burn them. One – I could never be absolutely sure which – quickly reached over and turned the heat down, then grabbed a spoon and began stirring the potion.

"So, what are you cooking up?" I shook out my arm now that my elbow wasn't throbbing and got off my butt to brush the dust off my jeans.

One turned and gave me a cheeky smile. "Now, now, _Lila._ We don't give information up for free." I quirked an eyebrow at his tone and immediately knew which of the two I was dealing with.

"What sort of information are you looking for from me?" I felt the need to ask, even though we had been through this many times before.

George's grin widened and Fred finished stirring the potion. "Your age for what potion we're making."

"Never!" I cried out dramatically, crossing my arms and turning my face away from them only to peak back a second later when the bubbling of the potion increased. "It's never polite to ask a lady her age." And yet, it was one piece of information that George had been after for a while now – though I really had no idea why. Still! It was the principle of the thing that kept me from blurting out my age.

Fred tapped the edge of the cauldron with his wand. Ugh! From the start those boys knew that my weakness was potions. Curiosity almost (_almost!)_ dragged me over to the edge of that cauldron but I stayed back, vaguely aware that Fred was snickering.

"What's keeping me from going to Molly?"

"You're not the tattling-type." George stated this with a careless flick of his wand and for once since I had noticed the potion, my attention went somewhere else.

"Oh, really? And how do you know that?"

"Remus told us stories about the Marauders years ago. He said that you usually knew about them and _always_ threatened to tell," Fred said, rolling his eyes.

"But you didn't. It's pretty much an empty threat," George finished with a knowing smile.

I groaned and realized like a slap to my face that that was the first time that someone had mentioned Remus in the past few weeks and I hadn't cringed.

"So, the offer is up in the air."

"Your age, for the name of this potion." At some point, one had stopped talking and the other had taken over.

"Just the name?" I scoffed, ready to turn away again and leave the broom closet…and perhaps find Molly just to prove that my threats could be something other than _empty_. "What good's the name of it if I don't know what it does?"

One of them sighed. "The woman knows her stuff," one muttered.

"Fine," George said, briefly and dramatically lowering his head as if in defeat. "You first, though."

I contemplated revealing my real age, or simply saying something ridiculous like ten or one hundred and seven, but if they were going to be honest about their potion…well, I couldn't mess with that. The mixture turned a vicious red and began bubbling again.

"Thirty-five." I said it quickly.

"Trebble Serum," Fred answered just as quickly.

"We slip this into someone's drink and they'll be singing like a bird until the effects wear off." George smirked and stirred the potion with a wooden spoon, the faint light that was shining from Fred's wand casting an eerie light over his face.

"How long until it wears off?"

"Several hours, at least," Fred answered with a simple shrug to show that he wasn't entirely sure. "But for kids, it'll wear off faster than adults. Something about their metabolism being faster."

"Do me a favor?" I asked, maneuvering around so that I was kneeling down and able to get a good look at the potion. It was turning darker and darker, meaning that it would be ready within the hour.

"Depends on what it is." George glanced up and answered my mischievous smile with one of his own.

"Some people are coming over for dinner. Give it to Tonks." George gave me a small salute and nod, and I had to laugh at this. It felt like I was in school all over again, getting petty revenge on students who wouldn't know what hit them. I left the broom closet, wiping the dust off my knees and feeling quite satisfied with myself. Whatever guilt that tried to drag me down was promptly gagged and tied and thrown out for the moment.

One of my darkest secrets (kept from the twins, I mean) had been revealed, which wasn't too much of a loss. But my gain would be brilliant, and all I had to do was wait until dinner.

A dinner, which wouldn't come fast enough in my opinion.

I glanced at the clock on the wall – beside the classic Weasley one that told us who was safe instead of the time – and was counting the hours down like I was waiting for a bomb to go off.

And I sort of was, I thought with a smirk. A bomb that would go off in a flurry of embarrassing lyrics.

"You're in awfully good spirits," Molly noticed, though she sounded more suspicious than happy about it.

"Yeah, I don't know why," I answered with a smile that only served to make her frown deepen. She handed me a freshly scrubbed plate and I dried it quickly and set it in the proper cupboard.

A few yells could be heard from outside and if I craned my neck enough, I could look out of the window over the sink and see a few people up on their brooms. I shivered at the thought of playing around outside in this weather – though I did consider it when I was debating what to do to pass the time until the bomb…ahem, _plan_ was executed.

"Is something up?" Molly asked slowly, and I knew she was very off putted by my good mood. And she probably had good reasons too, seeing as I had been either diving into closets or out of rooms and generally been in a (I have to be honest, here) bitchy mood.

"No." I tried to tone down my good spirits. "It looks chilly out," I commented, looking out the window to see a few of her kids huddled around each other in the middle of the large field. "Should they be wearing more jumpers to stay warm?"

It was not a proud way to get the attention off of myself, but it worked like a charm and in a flash Molly – soapy wet hands, and all – was rushing out into the yard with an armful of sweaters and coats to pass around.

I glanced up at the wall again and began humming a tune I had heard before, but couldn't remember where I had heard it from. Just a few hours, now, I thought with a smile and couldn't help but add a little skip in my step as I moved to put a mug into the cupboard.

**Beta: Sunshine after the Rain,**

**Song: Cuckoo by Adam Lambert….because clearly, Lila is crazy for pranking Tonks at this moment. **


End file.
